BIG LOVE or little love?

BIG LOVE or little love?

by Samuel Orrin Sewell

Every time we try to explain the two kinds of love to someone, they know very well what we are trying to say. We all have noticed a distinct difference between BIG LOVE and little love. However, we don't seem to be able to make the distinction between the two until after we are hurt and confused. We all get smart too late! It is as if little love had the power to cast a spell over us and make us believe that we are experiencing BIG LOVE. In an effort to keep all of us from being hurt or hurting others, I offer the following comments on the subject.

First, the little love is a biologically motivated mating behavior similar to that which can be seen in the animal kingdom. Second, in humans it shows up as a deficiency need. Little love is a hole that yearns to be filled! This lesser kind of love is an emptiness, a lack of emotional self-sufficiency. This deficiency is almost like a lack of vitamins or other dietary shortcoming. It results in "love craving" or "love hunger" just as dietary deficiencies often result in cravings for certain kinds of food. Our whole culture seems to be suffering from "little love craving". Most of the so called "love songs" are about this lesser love.. Romance novels, movies, TV programs, and Valentine cards all have this lesser love as their theme. "How can I live without you?" and "Without you I am nothing at all!" are not examples of healthy BIG LOVE. We have all seen those people who grasp at relationships and fall in little love twice a week. Men who suffer from this condition tend to be very charming and are skillful in the art of courtship. They sweep women off their feet as the prelude to a relationship filled with attempts to dominate, suspicious jealousy, and often, abusive behavior. Women who are lesser lovers often make friends with nice guys and “fall in little love” with the type of men described in the previous sentence (usually referred to as an unmentionable body orifice). Nice guys just aren't "romantic" enough for them.

Many people, when given a chance to make a choice, are so blinded by their cravings that they foolishly choose little love. Then, these same people begin to question the worth of all members of the opposite sex, rather than questioning their own mate selection habits. Choosing little love rather than BIG LOVE reminds us of addicted laboratory animals who will choose drugs and die of starvation rather than choose nourishment.

Persons suffering from this deficiency disease are so obsessed with filling their emptiness that they can't even think about giving to another person. Their whole reason for existence is to fill up the aching bottomless pit inside them. They operate from their need to receive from others. We all know people like this. Maybe we even see parts of ourselves in this behavior. These lesser lovers make very poor friends, mates, or sex partners. They suffer and everyone who becomes involved with them suffers.

If you suffer from this problem, PLEASE quit looking for a relationship! Quit hanging around bars, going to church to meet that “special someone”, or joining singles groups. The only relationship you should be seeking is an intense, honest involvement with a good psychotherapist. If you are someone involved with (not married to) a lesser lover, save yourself a lot of trouble and get out of the relationship at once. If you are married to a lesser lover get some help for both of you before you suffer any longer and your family is destroyed. Don't be the model for your children growing up to be lesser/little lovers!

One of the odd things about these two kinds of love is that everyone can recognize them. The person who has evolved into a healthy, emotionally self sufficient individual has also been a lesser lover at some point. The lesser lovers probably have caught a glimpse of what it is like to experience BIG LOVE. Perhaps none of us is totally one kind of lover. There seems to be a broad spectrum of human behavior between BIG LOVE at one extreme and little love at the other. We all experience both kinds of love in varying combinations. Let’s look at some contrasts between the two kinds of love, with apologies to Abraham Maslow for editing his comments on the subject:

1.) Since BIG LOVE is non-possessive and admiring, rather than needing, it makes no trouble and is practically always a joy to all concerned.  Little love causes plenty of heartache and trouble.

2.) BIG LOVE can never wear out. BIG LOVE grows greater rather than disappearing. You can't "lose that BIG LOVE-ing feeling".  Little love seldom lasts.

3.) The BIG LOVE experience is closely akin to the inspiration of poets and artists. BIG LOVE is mystical and holy. BIG LOVE is humans involved in the Divine.  God is love “John 4:8”.  Little love can be observed in livestock every spring breeding season.

4.) The healing and nurturing effects of BIG LOVE are profound and widespread. The caring nurse heals patients with her BIG LOVE. The nurturing BIG LOVE of parents guides their child's growth into a healthy adult.  Little love doesn't heal, it makes people sick. Little love doesn't nurture, it takes from everything that comes into contact with it.

5.) BIG LOVE does not seek to be gratified. Gratification doesn't even enter the picture since BIG LOVE comes from a person's fullness, not from his need. Little love is always seeking gratification and can never be satisfied. Little love "can't get no satisfaction".

6.) Couples who share BIG LOVE are more independent of each other. They are more individual, less jealous or threatened, they need less and give more, they are more eager to help the other toward becoming their best self. Little love is cloying, clinging, dependent, jealous, and threatened by the other person's independence and personal growth.

7.) BIG LOVE helps create both partners’ best selves. BIG LOVE is the ultimate environment for personal growth. The full development of a human being may be impossible without it. Little love takes from one at the other's expense.

BIG LOVE eliminates the need for little love.

FIRST LOVE

by Samuel Orrin Sewell

You could have been my first love;

         Flesh, a quivering cord/chord that connects us.

         A love that comes breathing,

         Never before felt feelings,

         Stirring in my electric solar plexus.

         Flaccid yet eager cosmic phallus

         Says, "Not now!  Watch out!  Its too late;

         Your lance has been fickled by fate,

         And is covered by layers of callous."

         Maybe I feel first lovely,

         To a less, or more degree?

 You could have been my first love;

         A love made of white knights and lonely princes,

         Seeking heaving bosoms and reeling senses,

         Which dissolve into domestic war dances,

         And, "I need to borrow money for legal expenses."

         First love?  Not what I want!  Probably a myth.

         Fairy tails, tales and trails convex and converge

         ‘til I prefer work, regular sex, and soul merge,

         To an unreal love ersatz to begin with.

         While first love turns from fire to ice,

         Our love gets warmer, and warm will suffice.

 You could have been my first love;

         A love every true Pollyanna believes in.

         With hope in my heart I've tied the knot,

         Yearning for whatever "she" has not got,

         And suffered without rhyme, wit or reason.

         Found "guilty" and exiled for life to the "Freeze Zone".

         I gave that up!  We're not like that, you know.

         What started as harvest continues to grow

         Into a fullness of love, come due in its season.

         First love?  “Love l0l” for slow learning romantics!

         First love? Or first real love?  A case of semantics.

Could you be my first love?

         An entwining of blossoms flung up to a star?

         Arching higher and higher the more real we are?

         A love more real than romance can admit?

         If ever I had a real love, you're it!