How to Talk About Global Warming With Your Crazy ISIS
Relatives at Thanksgiving Dinner
by John Hayward 26 Nov 2015
It’s become a media tradition for left-wing blogs to
publish “survival guides” for liberal youth fated to attend Thanksgiving
dinners populated by crazy right-wing relatives, who have grown increasingly
skeptical of the accomplishments of our glorious President Obama.
Things are going to be especially rough this year, what with
the collapsing enrollment, soaring premiums, agonizing deductibles, and shaky
insurance company finances created by ObamaCare – developments those cranky old
wingnuts somehow interpret as indications Obama’s genius health care reform is
“failing.”
Then you’ve got all the terrorism filling the streets with
blood, which nutty Republican uncles are likely to misrepresent as evidence
Obama was talking out of his turkey baster when he described ISIS as a
thoroughly “contained” junior-varsity squad. Actually, Obama suddenly stopped
talking about ISIS that way, just this week – but hey, nobody’s writing
survival guides about how to talk to Barack Obama at
Thanksgiving dinner.
What we really need is a handy guide for discussing
global warming with your crazy ISIS relatives. President Obama just declared
his intention to “rebuke” the Totally Not Islamic State by attending a climate change conference in Paris. Hopefully our intelligence
community is searching social media and the Dark Net for indications that ISIS
militants and sympathizers feel “rebuked” by this, and will publish their
Tweets of shame, as soon as they become available.
Crackpot Republican uncles are probably going to give their
sensitive liberal family members an earful about the President’s persistent
efforts to link climate change to terrorism, or assert that climate change is a
worse problem than terrorism. That just shows how stupid that uncle is,
because there are many reasons it makes sense to fight global warming instead
of terrorism.
1. Global warming doesn’t shoot back. Terrorists
are really hard to fight, because they keep popping up and killing people. The
failure of Obama’s strategies to restrain ISIS is too obvious. It’s
just killing his poll numbers!
On the other hand, global warming is a harmless imaginary
threat, based entirely on computer models that must be falsified with increasingly obvious
accounting tricks to induce the desired levels of pocket-emptying
panic. Nothing makes the climate look warmer than the heat from a pile of
well-cooked books!
Even if the climate alarmists are taken seriously, they’re
issuing doomsday warnings about minor blips in global temperature that might
happen a century from now, and might be harmful if they do. Only
your crazy right-wing uncle could fail to understand how fighting an ephemeral
threat that might materialize in the 22nd Century is much smarter than doing
battle with a real enemy that can make people like Barack Obama look foolish
and incompetent by thwarting his plans. Doomsday weather forecasts can be
pushed back decade after decade – the Climate Cult has done this many times,
and their previous “Eastern Seaboard will disappear by 1999” predictions are
instantly forgotten. Good luck convincing the Islamic State to reschedule its
bloody massacres until after the next election.
2. Fighting global warming is fun. Terrorism is
grim and depressing. It brings up questions about a religion the Left would
rather not study, and makes standard liberal “oppression” narratives crash
harder than HealthCareDotGov.
To be brutally honest, criticizing the people who are worried about terrorism
is a lot more fun than dealing with the depredations of ISIS, al-Qaeda, or
knife-wielding Palestinians. You get to call everybody you dislike a racist
paranoid, and paint yourself as a paragon of boundless tolerance. It’s a gas.
But it’s not as much of a gas as the high-octane
thrill of railing against “climate change deniers” and comparing them to
Holocaust deniers! The Climate Cult offers total emotional liberation to its
members. No tactic for fighting the “deniers” is too low, no insult too
extreme, no expression of hatred too savage.
Fighting terrorism calls for real lifestyle changes, from
accepting the need for government surveillance to the ultimate “alternative
lifestyle” of joining the military. Fighting global warming requires nothing
more than yammering about all the changes you want to force other people
to make in their lifestyles. The high priests of the climate cult can stamp
Godzilla-sized carbon footprints all over the planetary ecosystem, burning more
fossil fuel to attend a single climate conference than the average American
torches in a decade, and their fans will never stop swooning.
It can be a bummer to deal with the hassles of purchasing an
electric car to show your devotion to the cause, especially if it bursts into
flames and burns your garage down, but hardly anyone actually buys those things
anyway. You can get a huge rush by telling Uncle Exxon how you think he should
be forced to drive an electric car at Thanksgiving dinner, though!
3. Global warming is profitable. To hear the
Climate Cult whine about the alleged conflicts of interest plaguing skeptical
scientists who get their funds from “impure” sources, you’d never guess the
global-warming racket is one of the biggest, richest industries in the world,
shoveling around billions of government dollars.
People, including Al Gore, have gotten stupid
rich off global warming, but they’re not treated like fat-cat
One Percent of the One Percenters. Left-wing sugar daddies like Tom Steyer are
what the Left imagines the Koch Brothers to be, but no one warns about the
corrupting influence of Steyer money. Medieval peddlers of papal indulgences
would be astounded to learn how much money the Climate Cult rakes in by selling
carbon indulgences.
Fighting global warming also reaps a windfall of political
power. It lets left-wing politicians do what they wanted to do anyway.
Virtually everything on their agenda can be repurposed as a weapon against
climate change. The bodice-ripping romantic fantasy of socialism is a society
in which people don’t move around so much, a land in which the unwashed
masses live where they’re told, travel where the central planners want them,
and live their lives at the mercy of the elements – with the free cash they
might otherwise use for problematic purposes siphoned away at the gas pump and
power plant. Cheap energy, like all other cheap products, is garlic to the
socialist vampire, because people don’t need extensive government assistance to
purchase inexpensive necessities.
Fighting terrorism, on the other hand, is a huge net loss
for left-wingers. It requires beefing up the military they despise, except when
they get to use it as a laboratory for social experimentation. The public
begins embracing martial values, such as self-reliance, courage, and worst of
all, faith. (Yes, faith is a martial value, as the Islamic State
will be happy to explain at length.) People start talking about – ugh! –
the Second Amendment and the necessity of bearing arms to protect their
families and neighbors. How the heck are liberals supposed to push their gun-control agenda when people are looking at the Paris
massacre and thinking about how armed citizens might have been able to save
lives?
Money spent on the military is money that isn’t available
for juicy vote-buying schemes, a point President Obama made brilliantly by
trying to block the most recent defense bill, unless it was porked up with loot
for his domestic spending programs. Also, when the public starts thinking about
national security, it begins wondering why the military was slashed to give
liberals money for their wasteful and ineffective social programs, asking hard
questions about our porous national borders, and even musing about the proper
role of government itself. Look at how hard liberals had to work to lose the
Iraq War and break up the post-9/11 sense of national unity and purpose. Who
wants to go through that again?
4. Global warming is an ideology liberals feel
comfortable defending. ISIS and al-Qaeda present both physical and
ideological threats. They think their fusion of religion and politics is far
superior than anything offered by the decadent West.
That’s troublesome for good liberals, who feel very uncomfortable
defending stuff like capitalism and American history. When ISIS rants about the
Crusades, a good liberal like Barack Obama nods thoughtfully and says, “You
know, you’ve got a point there. Christians really shouldn’t be getting on their
high horses to complain about Islamic terrorism!”
Global warming, on the other hand, is an ideology liberals
are ready to defend against the Caliphate all day, every day, and twice on
Ramadan. Quite a few on the Left have tried portraying the Paris attack as an
ISIS attempt to screw up the climate change conference. President Obama thinks
the most effective response to Islamist terror is to proceed with such
meetings. Climate alarmism is the one Western belief system liberals will
defend from Islamists
without hesitation.
In fact, the whole notion of “rebuking” ISIS by holding a
global warming summit is an expression of left-wing arrogance and disdain for
any religion except their own. Let’s be honest: Islamists don’t care if people
attend global warming summits. They care about preventing people from attending
churches, synagogues, temples, and the “wrong” sort of mosque. The Left wants
to pretend that eating lobster and sipping wine at a climate confab is a
greater act of defiance than the sort of genuine religious service that
really would piss ISIS off.
In fact, given the spate of knucklehead theories about how a
drought caused by global warming produced the Syrian civil war and accompanying
refugee crisis, it looks as if the Left is prepared to evangelize their
Church of Global Warming to Islamists. Good luck getting them to display
remotely comparable zeal for promoting capitalism or freedom of speech.
So there you have it – a handy Thanksgiving guide for
explaining to your wingnut relatives that fighting global warming is far
preferable to battling terrorism.
You might even use this guide as a springboard for
convincing any Islamists you meet that global warming is the common foe they
should join you in fighting. The hajj pilgrimage is pretty rough as it
is – just ask any visitor to Mecca who doesn’t work for the Saudi government.
How hard will it be when Mecca is under water, thanks to melting polar ice
caps? If you happen to have relatives who belong to ISIS, try that argument
over the Thanksgiving table, and hit the comments section this weekend to let
us know how it goes.
HealthCareDotGov
CGI Group Inc.
was the Obamacare contractor that
developed Healthcare.gov web site.
Note: Barack Obama’s signature
policy initiative is Obamacare, and was
a parishioner at the Trinity United
Church of Christ (Chicago).
Trumpeter
Newsmagazine is a publication for the Trinity
United Church of Christ (Chicago).
Louis Farrakhan
was awarded the 2007 Jeremiah Wright Jr.
Trumpeter award from the Trumpeter
Newsmagazine, is the organizer for the Million
Man March, and the acting head for the Nation
of Islam.
Obamacare
is Barack Obama’s signature policy
initiative.
Donna
S. Morea was the EVP for the CGI
Group Inc., and a trustee at the Committee
for Economic Development.
Foundation
to Promote Open Society was a funder for the Committee for Economic Development, the ClimateWorks Foundation, the Climate
Reality Project, the Natural
Resources Defense Council, and the Sundance
Institute.
George Soros
was the chairman for the Foundation to Promote Open Society.
Albert
A. Gore Jr. is the chairman for the Climate
Reality Project, a partner at Kleiner
Perkins Caufield & Byers, the narrator-host for An Inconvenient Truth, and was a donor for The Climate Project.
Kleiner
Perkins Caufield & Byers was a donor for The Climate Project.
The Climate
Project was a merged organization with the Climate Reality Project.
An Inconvenient Truth
An Inconvenient Truth is
a 2006 documentary film directed by Davis Guggenheim
about former United States Vice President
Al Gore's
campaign to educate citizens about global warming
via a comprehensive slide show that, by his own estimate made in the film, he
has given more than a thousand times.
Premiering at the 2006 Sundance Film Festival and opening in
New York City
and Los Angeles
on May 24, 2006, the documentary was a critical and box-office success, winning
two Academy Awards for Best Documentary Feature
and Best Original Song.
Laurie
P. David is the producer for An
Inconvenient Truth, and a trustee at the Natural Resources Defense Council.
Natural
Resources Defense Council is a partner with the Reality Coalition, and a member of the U.S. Climate Action Partnership.
Reality
Coalition opposes coal use in the Clean
coal debate.
Robert
Redford is a trustee at the Natural
Resources Defense Council, and the founder & president of the Sundance Institute.
Sundance
Institute is the sponsor for the Sundance
Film Festival.
Kenneth
D. Cole is a trustee at the Sundance
Institute, and married to Maria
Cuomo Cole.
Maria Cuomo Cole
is married to Kenneth D. Cole, and a
trustee at the Brady Center to Prevent
Gun Violence.
Brady
Center to Prevent Gun Violence is a “Gun
Safety, Gun Control” group for guns.
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