Steven Wrightisms

And More Steven Wright:



If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who

once said, "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen

and replaced by exact duplicates." Here are some more of his gems........



I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.



Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.



Half the people you know are below average.



99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.



A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.



A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.



If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.



All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.



I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.



OK, so what's the speed of dark?



How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?



If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked

something.



Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.



Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.



Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.



I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.



If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?



Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into engines.



What happens if you get scared half to death twice?



My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your

horn louder."



Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?



If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.



A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.



Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.



The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.



To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism - to steal from many is

research.



The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.



The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.



The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.



Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have any film.