The Wicked Witch Who Disguised Herself as a Damsel In Distress
"Brilliant satire!""Wickedly funny!""Making fun of prominent liberal women without naming them was a stroke of genius. ""Feminists will fume. The rest of us will chuckle.""I sure hope someone brings this to the stage.""It is about time that men and women teamed up to defeat feminism."
A Narrated Historical Fable as a Stage Production
(Meant to be presented as a stage production. Screens for multi-media images are set up around the theater. As the narrator speaks, slide shows, film clips, news photos, and other images, flash on the screens. Actors, dancers, and mimes, move on-stage to further illustrate the events described by the narrator in scripted and non-scripted mini-tableaux. Emotionally stirring music is synchronized to the script of the narrator.)
(Narrator moves on-stage to ominous rumble of kettle drums mixed with discordant cello chords.)
Wicked Witches in Ancient Times
Narrator: Once upon a time, right after human women invented agriculture, and mankind began to settle into permanent communities, the wicked witches began to appear. Nobody knows if there is a cause and effect connection between these two events of ancient history. Nevertheless, wicked witches have been with us for a very long time.
In these ancient times life was tough, even for wicked witches. Wicked witches don't really have powerful magic. They can disguise themselves, they cast spells on humans, and sometimes temporarily take over human lives, but they can't magically make food appear, for instance. They survive by establishing a parasitic relationship with human males. Since humans weren't doing all that well back then, the witches also found it hard to survive.
Wicked witches weren't usually able to marry men in those days because they were so ugly, and had such nasty dispositions. However, it didn't take long for the wicked witches to make good use of their limited powers. A good and loyal wife with a sweet disposition would become irrationally irritable, and unreasonable for a few days. She wouldn't comb her hair, and saw what was wrong with everything. The husband would notice that tools were missing. Stores of food were ransacked and much was stolen. Wood gathered for heating and cooking was taken. The children had nightmares. This made life most upsetting for early human families.
Eventually, humans caught on about the influence of wicked witches and devised techniques to drive them away. The most effective method was for men and women to protect each other. The only sure way a man could be protected from a wicked witch was by the love of a good woman. The only sure way a woman could be protected from a wicked witch was the love of a good man. This ancient technique remains effective down to the present day.
By the dawn of recorded history, specially trained humans could counter many of the wicked witches' rudimentary skills. Wicked witches are very deceptive, so detecting the influence and identity of wicked witches became an important function for ancient priests, seers, prophets, and oracles.
Wicked witches, or women who had been taken over by wicked witches, are mentioned in ancient religious literature. The Hebrew Bible warns: "It is better to have a straw mat in a corner of the roof, than a palace shared with a nagging wife." And, "A continual dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike; to restrain her is to restrain the wind or to grasp oil in the right hand." Nagging is a sure sign of wicked witchhood, or that some unfortunate woman has been captured by a wicked witch's spell. The Hebrews had a zero tolerance policy toward wicked witches, so it is not likely that these wives mentioned in the Bible were actually wicked witches. More likely, they were human women under a spell.
Narrator: By the beginning of the early classical period there are many mentions of wicked witches in literature. The Sirens, those beautiful women who would lure sailors to their death on jagged rocks, were wicked witches. Xanthippi, Socrates' wife, was a wicked witch, a real one, not a human woman under a spell. Xanthippi was renowned for her beauty and her nagging tongue. She had disguised herself as a beautiful women.
(Scripted mini-tableau: Socrates and Xanthippi enter from rear of center stage and pause. Xanthippi is classically beautiful, and she is also shaking her finger at Socrates and uttering an impromptu nagging monologue. The actress should make this nagging monologue clever and funny, while simultaniously being mean nasty. Socrates walks to front stage center. The focus and volume of Xanthippi fades. Just as Xanthippi is about to exit stage right, she looks back over her shoulder at the audience, she is spotlighted and for a few seconds you see how ugly she really is.
Socrates: Above all I wish to learn tolerance. If I can be tolerant of Xanthippi, I can tolerate anyone.)
Narrator: Even Socrates was fooled! Which goes to show that even the wisest of men are sometimes fooled by the wily ways of wicked witches. Some ancient sources say Socrates discovered the true identity of his wife, and that is the real reason he drank the hemlock. According to this theory the famous "Apology" was just a way to make Socrates' death count for something, and seem noble.
Wicked witches consider Xanthippi's skills quite an accomplishment. Wicked witches are very ugly. It takes years of training and self discipline for a wicked witch to look like a beautiful woman, and most wicked witches can't do it at all. The payoffs for wicked witches who looked beautiful were enormous. Rich and powerful men chose beautiful women, and the richest and most powerful human males made the best choice for a parasitic life form. So, Xanthippi is considered a hero to the sisterhood of wicked witches. However, Xanthippi still had a wicked witch's disposition. She couldn't even fake being civil until the honeymoon was over.
Xanthippi towers over the classical Greco-Roman period of wicked witch history. Cleopatra was a wicked witch of considerable skill, but her great-great-grandmother had a few of the human traits which sometimes mutate into the wicked witch gene pool. That made Cleo weak in her resolve to be wicked. Cleo also fell in love with human males rather than hating them completely. Cleopatra might be famous in human history, but wicked witches do not respect her.
(Theater darkens as narrator says:) During the dark ages the wicked witches solidified their position in human affairs and sharpened their skills of deception, but there were no outstanding heroes of wicked witchdom during this period.
End Act II
(curtain closes,15 seconds in darkness, then house lights up)
(champagne and refreshments in the vestibule)
Wicked Witches in Modern Times
Narrator: By the 19th century wicked witches had become Queens, Empresses, and President's wives. Abraham Lincoln was married to a wicked witch. Abe's wife was not a beauty. She looked a lot better than the average wicked witch, but that left her in the category of "mud fence", as far as humans were concerned. She had the typical nasty disposition of wicked witches. Once she hit poor Abe in the face with a log because he failed to build a fire quickly enough to suit her. She also threw hot coffee in Abe's face. On one occasion she hit him again and again with a broom stick until she physically drove him out of the house and into a street full of neighbors, who were collected in front of Abe's house because of the noise of the fight.
Mrs. Lincoln's tirades were the talk of the neighborhood. She also aimed her wickedness at tradesmen and servants. She physically abused her sons as well. Her wide experience in physical violence caused her to discover another important wicked witch principle. Mary Todd Lincoln is credited with promoting domestic violence as a way for wicked witches who are married, to keep their men under their thumbs. She discovered that men seldom hit back, and when they do defend themselves, other men condemn them as being wife-beaters. She also found that involving a third party (counselor, clergy, relatives, etc.) almost always resulted in the human male being blamed or punished. Her maxim, "If the police get involved, they will always arrest the man.", was an inspiration to several generations of wicked witches. Her prestige among wicked witches is evidenced by the fact that a wicked witch advocacy group lobbied to get Mary Todd Lincoln on the face of the one dollar bill in 1996.
Abe hinted at his attitude about being married to a wicked witch in 1864, when he pardoned a young man who was sentenced to death for desertion.
The Presidential Secretary: Mr. President, this document is the pardon application for the man who was found guilty of desertion and is sentenced to die tomorrow. His only grounds in asking for clemency are that he is in love, and he wants to get married to his sweetheart.
Abe, while signing pardon: I want to punish this young man. Probably in less than a year, he will wish I had withheld the pardon.)
Narrator: Historically, the next wicked witch to make a major advance was Mata Hari. Not only was she beautiful, but she was deceptively charming as well. Her ugliness was hidden in her secret treachery. So now, some wicked witches could not only look beautiful, but be falsely charming as well. Of course, their wickedness came through in their behavior, but it was much easier to find a host male if a wicked witch had beauty and feigned charm. Wicked witches soon found out that most men were fools. Good looks, the promise of sex, and a little flattery could keep almost any human male under her thumb, and busy being her beast of burden. Mata Hari is also credited with promoting the use of poison as the primary assassination technique of wicked witches.
With the growing industrial revolution, wicked witches found new opportunities for attaching themselves to male providers. It had taken more than 10,000 years, but wicked witches began having a major impact in human affairs by the turn of the twentieth century.
By the early 20th century wicked witches had gained proficiency in the art of playing "damsel in distress". Wicked witches discovered that human males are biologically programmed to rescue, protect, and provide for women. By the 1950s wicked witches were adept at giving off the signals of an injured or threatened human female. This soon became even more effective than being beautiful. If a wicked witch didn't want to make the effort to become beautiful, she could always give off "damsel in distress" signals, and some idiot man would rescue her and take care of her, even if she was ugly and nagged.
The collective genius of the wicked witches of the late 20th century can not be overstated. The synergy of mixing all the skills of wicked witches throughout history was the crowning achievement of wicked witchdom. One of the pioneers of the "synergistic" technique was so good at her disguises and spells that she was actually an employee of a sex club that catered to the rich playboy type of human male. Imagine how powerful the effect of a beautiful, charming, sexual tease, who was a damsel in distress, all at the same time. Men would flock to be a beast of burden to this kind of wicked witch. By the time of the late 1960s the wicked witches were doing so well that they began to think they could live without their human male host organisms.
Dependency breeds hatred. The wicked witches had been dependent for thousands of years. Soon, wicked witches began to add a new intensity to their hatred of men. This new level of loathing was similar to a milder version of the same dynamic which human adolescents exhibit. In their late teens, young humans begin to think they can live without their host organisms. As soon as that thought occurs, a deep rage sets in against their parents, and they are blind to any virtues their parents might have. So, after having existed as a parasitic life form since the dawn of civilization, the wicked witches suddenly decided they could live without men. This made for a very volatile situation. Humans were not aware of it, but their very existence stood in great peril.
The leadership of the wicked witches realized they were really on to something with their new "synergistic" techniques. By the late 1960's hoards of beautiful wicked witches showed up in provocative clothing, with no bras and wearing skimpy skirts. Sometimes they would take off their bras in public and set fire to them. They would give off strong "damsel in distress" signals by claiming that they were being treated unfairly, or that men were rude to them. They used all of the deceptive tricks and wicked spells they knew. Of course, like flies to honey, men were attracted, and then they were scornfully rejected by the wicked witches. With apocalyptic clarity, it was evident that the wicked witches had dropped the pretense of being charming. More than one man was crushed by their cruel words of rejection.
(Scripted mini-tableau stage left; a beautiful young women in high heals, a mini-skirt, wearing a tank top, no bra, and displaying ample bosoms complete with obviously erect nipples, gets out of her stalled car and bends over to look under the hood. As if responding to a subliminal signal, the men rise simultaneously and start toward her with hopeful grins on their faces.
Wicked witch: "What do you think you are looking at, you sexist pigs?")
Narrator: Frequently, wicked witches in this role would complain of being treated like "sex objects", which is sort of like water complaining about being wet.
Men crave approval from human females. Of course, men felt instinctually attracted to these beautiful, sexy, damsels in distress, and did everything they could think of to somehow please the wicked witches and gain their approval. But, nothing the men did was good enough. The rejection and outright hatred men received for their efforts was an ever escalating psychological torture which held men in a mire of pathological trances. None of the men could figure it out; "What do wicked witches really want." This frustrating "seduction/rejection" technique, backed by "there is nothing you can do to please me", caused many American men to keep their tails between their legs.
All the while, human women were having a really rough time. The wicked witches worked hard to make traditional feminine contributions, like the domestic arts, seem unworthy. Women who cared for their children, created a nurturing home environment for their families, and practiced the traditional values of home and hearth, were portrayed as second class humans. Women who loved their husbands, and saw their role as supporting him in his career, were told that they needed a career of their own, and that they should learn to get along without a husband. Everywhere they could, wicked witches attempted to drive a wedge between human men and women.
By this time in the History of the United States the Wicked witches had gained a strong influence in higher education. The wicked witch professors implemented a deliberate scheme to sabotage the education of American women. Young human females who enrolled in universities across the country were exposed to Wicked Witch Studies at major universities. Soon, it was even possible to get a Ph.D. in Wicked Witch Studies at many fully accredited universities.
Wicked Witch Studies taught that disciplines like mathematics and science were part of the way human women were oppressed. The Wicked Witch professors were teaching young college women that there were two kinds truth; "male truth" and "female truth". Wicked Witch Studies classes began to focus on "non-linear thinking" as the preferred way for women to think, and, of course, superior to "male thinking". The famous treatise on mathematics "Principia Mathmatica", by Bertrand Russell and Alfred North Whitehead was banned at Universities across America. This book was the main reason Bertrand Russell won the Nobel Prize in 1950. By 1990 the book was renamed "Newton's Rape Manual II" and burned by wicked witches in academia.
Under the spell of irrationality cast upon these young women, many of them actually came to believe the incantations they had learned to chant in their Wicked Witch Studies classes. Upon graduation they were convinced that they were experiencing employment discrimination, without even noticing that they were not educated to do anything useful.
(Scripted mini-tableau takes place, stage right:
Employment recruiter: "What was your major?"
Eager young graduate: "I have a Ph.D. in Wicked Witch Studies,"
Employment recruiter: "Oh.")
Narrator: Many of these young women attended a university with all tuition, expenses, and spending money provided by Mom and Dad. After the introductory lecture for Wicked Witch Studies 101, they would call home, collect, to tell their fathers that they had felt exploited by Dad all their lives. To outward appearances these female students were all from good families. They were young, attractive, well educated, and raised properly. Many were enrolled in the best private women's colleges. Tragically, the faculty of these women's colleges were mostly wicked witches. The wife of one of the United States Presidents in the late 20th century was the second wicked witch to be called "First Lady". Later she became Secretary of State of the United States of America. She had, of course, been educated at a prestigious woman's college. During this same period of time a wicked witch who failed in her attempts to be attractive, including botched plastic surgery, became the Speaker of the House.
To young men, these college women should have been an ideal mate pool. However, a perversely evil spell had been cast in Wicked Witch Studies 101. "A wicked witch needs a man, like a fish needs a bicycle." puppeted some of the female students, forgetting that they were human women. It was tragic to see the "creme de la creme" of young American women succumbing to such an evil spell. Soon it became very difficult to discern the difference between wicked witches, and American college women in general.
By the late 1980s to early 1990s, wicked witches were everywhere; in government, in the media, in academia, in the professions, and even in blue collar jobs. During this period the Wicked Witches began to drop all pretense of reasonableness or civility.
(spotlight shifts to several wicked witches, each delivering a mini-soliloquy)
"I feel that man hating is an honorable and viable political act,"
"Wicked Witches must be warriors. We are at war with men and we need to win. We need a political and violent effort above ground and underground."
"A wicked witch needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle."
"There are only two kinds of men - the dead and the deadly"
"I need only three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid."
"Beware of men who cry. It's true that men who cry are sensitive and in touch with feelings, but the only feelings they tend to be sensitive to an in touch with are their own."
"Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember all men are strange as hell."
"If it wasn't for women, men would still be hanging from branches by their tails."
"The male is a domestic animal. A dumb beast of burden, which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things you might want done."
"Giving men education is like giving a dog a computer. Chanches are, he will not use it for its intended purpose."
"The more I see of men the more I like dogs."
"I married beneath me. All wicked witches do."
"Men are beasts. And even the beasts are not as beastly as men."
(spot back to narrator)
Narrator: With such techniques, and many more, the wicked witches set about destroying marriages, families, educational institutions, the justice system, the business community, and other cherished institutions that built and sustain America.
By the beginning of the 21st century the wicked witch takeover in America was nearly complete. They took off their disguises to reveal all their ugliness. The Lincoln memorial was demolished and the Mary Todd Lincoln Memorial stood in its place. Cherry blossoms refused to open in the nation's capital thereafter.
Wicked witches took on extra nasty dispositions, to make up for the years they had pretended to be ordinary women. By 2020 they had enough political power to overthrow the government and establish the Wicked Witch States of America. They enslaved all the men. They killed all the human women, except those they kept for artificial insemination and sex purposes.
Wicked witches have always used artificial insemination as a means of reproducing their stock of male labor slaves and female sex slaves. They wouldn't want the men to enjoy any form of pleasure. Besides, many wicked witches are obsessively jealous and possessive of human women. One of the guiding principles of late 20th century wicked witch philosophy was; "All sex is rape, unless wicked witches are doing it with each other, or to human women." Fortunately for the men, wicked witches usually prefer human women as sex partners. But, oh, those poor human women!
(disturbing, discordant shrieks of violins mixed with rhythmic deep cello chords, as scenes of wicked witches masturbating while looking at old Girl Scout calenders, and actively molesting innocent young maidens flash on all theater screens. End with "The Scream" as a still shot on all theater screens. Music abruptly stops and lights go out simultaneously.)
End Act III
(Lights fade up as we hear, played on fife only, the opening notes of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" which begin to rise in the background, and continue to build until full volume of orchestra and chorus climaxes, just after the narrator's last words. Narrator now continues speaking at full emotion and volume.)
Narrator: A few heroic American men and women escaped from the Wicked Witch States of America. It is in honor of our brave ancestors who managed to escape, that we launch this campaign to reestablish the American dream. Never again will the wicked witches be able to divide American men and women and conquer the United States of America. Only if we stand together can we win against this evil force. This noble mission can only be won by brave male and female warriors marching arm in arm, side by side, back to back, and belly to belly, to take back what is rightfully theirs. We must free the surviving men and women of America from enslavement. We will take back our beloved nation. We will repopulate America with real men and real women. We must unmask forever, the beautiful wicked witch who plays the damsel in distress. Onward to victory!
Oh, and don't forget, we will have a zero tolerance policy toward wicked witches.
"Aristotle the Hun" was the name given to me more than 30 years ago when a friend noticed that in spite of my intellect I was still an Iowa farm boy.
Rev. Sam Sewell, is Director of Best Self USA, a Pastoral Psychotherapist, serves on the faculty of Naples Community Hospital as an instructor for Clinical Pastoral Education, President of the Theological Center in Naples, a member of Mensa where he serves as Gifted Youth Coordinator, a U.S. Navy Veteran, and a Member of the Association For Intelligence Officers. He is a frequent commentator on mental health and religious issues.His award winning research on family issues is published in several languages. Member of Sigma Delta Chi Honor Society
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